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pastpilot's Blog


Positive Thinking or Just Good Luck?

I ran into a problem last week.  I run an art studio that relies on a specific product.  Without this product, everything grids to a halt.  Eighteen months ago I spoke with a manager (Terry) of a company in town who told me he knew how to make this product and could find out where I can get its ingredients to make it myself.  "Very easy to do", he informed me, "The next time you are in town, come by my shop and I will have the formula and a listing of where you can get the ingredients".  Since I only get into town 2 times a year, I planned to stop by his place the next time I am in his area.  Six months later was I am informed that Terry died suddenly.  Now what do I do?

I was forced to go back to my usual supplier to get this product.  I went into town last week to purchase it, but after I parked my car and started to walk to their front door I was suddenly hit with an intuitive thought:  This company doesn't sell this product anymore.  I asked myself, "How will I know this upon entering the building?" "Simple", my mind states, "you will not recognize anyone in there.  Everyone you know has been fired or laidoff and a new staff will be in their place.  The company will have fired anyone with over 3 years experience so they could re-hire nonexperienced people and can pay them less".  

So I go in and I scan the staff... I recognize no one.  Everyone there looks like they are 18 years old, which is not good when the company used to have people working there with over 30 years experience.  Not anymore.  I go up to the help desk and make my request for the product.  The woman behind the counter doesn't know what I am taking about it.  I go to someone else in the shop and they inform me that they no longer manufacture the product.  I ask, "What happened to the guy, Shaun, who used to make it in your shop?". I am informed that Shaun has been let go.  Hmmmm.  Did he get a job somewhere else, I asked?  Yes, I am informed of the company Shaun now works for, which turns out to be the same place where Terry had been working when he suddenly died.

I checked my watch and realized I had two hours to get there before they close for the day.  I get over to Shaun's new work place and find him busy at work.  He barely recognizes me as I have only met him on a few occassions and its been almost a year since I saw him last.  Shaun informs me that he is more than annoyed at his last employer for firing him simply to save money.  They were not interested in his long experience as a worker.  He then writes down the formula for the product I seek, along with instructions on how to make it, and gives me a list of where I can get the ingredients locally.  Keep in mind that the formula is, or was until now, a guarded secret within the industry.  Only a handful of people know it, which now includes myself.

I am back in business.  Strange how I did finally get to the manager's, Terry’s, place of work and was able to obtain the formula along with all the instructions.  It was as if it was meant to be.  Also, by being able to manufacture the product myself, I will save quite a bit of money each year and I will be able to make the product whenever needed.

Half-Full or Half Empty

As is falsely believed, a positive person sees the glass as half-full, while a negative person sees the glass as half empty.  However, its quite easy to tell the negative person from the positive person.  The negative person will be the one who stands out because they are telling the world how positive they are, comparing themselves to everyone else, flaunting their virtues and positive outlooks in life, and telling everyone that they always see the glass half-full.   Saying a glass is half-full is no more than learnt behaviour, meant to impress others, and is not an actual expression of true self.  Positive people is not hung up on glasses and liquids, they are the ones who simply go forth helping others whenever they can, not defining themselves by their knowledge of half-full and half empty.  Positive people do; negative people talk.  Talk is not a substitute for doing.  Action, or lack of action, shows your true self.


Forgiveness II (Reincarnation Perspective)

I firmly believe that everyone is psychic, to a degree, dependent only on their ability to accept the fact.  Many people refuse to believe in psychic ability and therefore are handicapped before leaving the starting gate.  I have spoken to many people who have experienced psychic phenomena, but refuse to accept it because they do not believe in psychic phenomena.  That seems strange to me.  Perhaps they are waiting for a more rational explanation, but few seem to dwell on it or really look.  I call these people, surface dwellers.  A friend of mine started working on her psychic ability lately and has had many interesting experiences over the last 12 months.  This only happened because she finally has started to look at her psychic phenomena from a different perspective, a perspective that it may be real.  She said that onces he did that, a whole new world started to emerge.   Now she is borrowing all my meditation CDs and is achieving even better results.  Its all about your perspective.  Its in us all to experience.

A while ago I was pondering the topic of forgiveness in regards to my parents.  My parents were odd people, always struggling to keep their children in check.  It seemed to me that their greatest fear was that their children would end up wiser and more intelligent than they were, so they tried very hard to appear better, smarter, etc.  This backfired badly for them, but never deterred them in their goal no matter how twisted and perverted it may have become.  In the end, they just alienated themselves and lost the potential to have a relationship with their children in their latter years.

I eventually forgave my parents, and moved on, but forgiving never came easy for my brother as he is the type of person who never forgives or forgets.  Everything is taken personally.  While I came to realized that all people make mistakes, I saw that my parents were not different from anyone else.  based simply on that, I forgave them, because parenting is not an easy task and many mistakes can be made.  I forgave unconditionally and I moved on with my life.  My brother, however, did not.  He stated to me that he is only obligated to forgive himself because the victim is never expected to forgive the abuser.  From my reading of Mahatma Gandhi, we should forgive everyone, without exception or condition, although its only the strong who can really do this.  I pondered this concept of only forgiving yourself, and although I can certainly understand why forgiving oneself is important, I feel its always best to simply forgive everyone and wish everyone well.  To limit or deny forgiveness seems like an act of anger or revenge.  So I asked, "What should I do?" out loud a few weeks ago, directing the question toward God, the Universe, and more specifically, toward my guides.  Surprisingly, the answer came quickly, short and clear.  The voice simply stated, "You should thank your parents".

Now you may ask, "why, what and how?".  Oddly, I was taught this concept many years ago and, at first, its not easy to understand, especially within the confines of having had an abusive relationship with your parents.  It can be a hard simply because of the emotion this act may incur.  However, the reason, whether you choose to believe it or not, is actually quite simple:

We choose our lives and our experiences, before we reincarnate to this planet.  We carefully choose our parents so we may have the experiences we feel we need to progress spiritually.  Not all that we will choose to experience in our lives will be easy or pleasurable, but we choose the experiences so we may have the experiences we feel we need.  Few incidents in our lives will be unplanned, as its very rare to experience an unplanned incident or accident.   Our parents are very much part of our plans, regardless if we feel, later on in our lives, that our experiences were good or bad.  From a spiritual perspective, experiences are just experiences.

In my case, my parents showed me a lot about life that I would have missed had they not been part of my life.  Some of these experiences were hard, but I learned that I can be better than that and directed my energy to more positive goals.  I am grateful for having been part of my family.  Not all of it was fun nor easy but when I think back on all the opportunities I have had, I see that I have gained far more than I have suffered.  Its easy to dwell on the bad, but when I think of the good that came from all of this, I can just as easily dwell on the positive, which is what I tend to do.  I have no anger toward my parents despite the oddity of their ways, which were sometimes quite cruel.  They too are learning and experiencing, but a hard life is still a life of experiences to cherish and remember.  Its just another life, one of many, one of many more to come.

 

The Secret -- Why its bunk.

To succeed in life you need things like talent, diligence, persistence, skills, hard-work and maybe a little luck.  You can achieve great things – but in order to do so you have to do a lot more than just think about them.

Paul Sloane

When a stage play reminds you of life (Why I detest The Secret -Part II)

I saw a stage production performance, a comedy, about the self-help industry.  The first 20 minutes of the play saw the main actors playing the part of self-help gurus, running a 3-day seminar.  Although the play was very good, I had a hard time with these first 20 minutes.  The reason?  I have a brother who is addicted to self-help seminars.  Watching the play reminded me of the hell I endured while he went through 6 years of seminars dealing with “The Secret”, or as it is also known, “The Power of Positive Thinking”.

The start of the play rammed home the memories of what I put up with, my brother's constant barrage of judgments, putdowns and insults.  During these 6 years, my brother was unemployed for most of the time, freeloading off me to avoid the responsibilities of paying bills, rent, etc.  That allowed him lots of free time to think, which was not a good thing.  He used this time to study “The Secret” intensely, and as a result he felt he was more than able, and justified, to identify the flaws in the people who inhabit our world, qualifying him to judge and criticize.  This included friends and foes alike.  He himself is flawless, but everyone else in the world has serious, unforgivable problems.  He went around pointing out “where everyone goes wrong in life” (an actual quote used many times), and “this is what is wrong with you” (another actual, frequently used quote) pointing and shaking his finger at me while raising his voice or yelling.  He'd start such conversations by just jumping in, with little to no provocation whenever I came into the house, day or night.  Avoiding and ignoring him didn't work.  He clearly planned each and every attack, brooding over it all day, waiting for the opportunity to point out “negative thoughts and actions”.  This was always achieved through yelling, which I suppose he assumed was an act of positive reinforcement.  

One day my brother had yelled so much, for such a extended period of time, that he nearly fell over from lack of oxygen— he actually forgot to breath.  He almost fell over unconscious, but luckily grabbed a door jam for support.  The topic of the screaming fit was about how he is more positive than myself.  He was the one doing the yelling.  I was stupefied, watching him, thinking he was acting more like a 5 year old child having a temper tantrum than a 56 year old man.  How could someone end up in life like this?  What forces within one's mind drives a person to such a hell?  I believe a big part of this behavior is simply him trying to mask his perceived failures or shortcomings in life by judging others, and thus shifting focus onto others from himself.  He is very conscious of how people view him, which adds to his manic behavior.  If he can convince himself that the people around him are flawed, he can then live with himself.

A friend of mine informed me that he witnessed my brother having a yelling and screaming melt down on the street one sunny afternoon on July, 2014.  Apparently, while driving his car he decided to stop in the middle of a busy intersection.  No one could figure out why.  People started to drive around him, but when they did, my brother stuck half his body out the driver’s side window,  and started screaming at them at the top of his lungs, honking his car's horn and giving each and everyone his middle finger.  My friend thought my brother was about to climb out of his car's window and start chasing after people.  He described my brother as a lunatic with a “bald, bright red, angry head”, which is a fair description, actually -- I've witnessed this personally many times.  My friend feels my brother is insane.  From personal experience, from what I have seen over the years, I believe he is right.  Is insanity the reason he embraces "The Secret" with such ferocity and recklessness?

Watching the stage play brought back a flood of memories about my brother, none of which were good.  At least the rest of the play was funny and upbeat allowing me to forget about my brother by the start of the second act.  I just wish I could do that for the rest of my life.

The biggest problem I have with "The Secret" is that it once again allows people to place blame and guilt onto others, making them feel they are not up to the task of living life, belittling them and promoting judgment.  That is what religion does, which is how I see  "The Secret", as another religion.  Most people I know, who have embraced "The Secret" look down on others who haven't.  they see the others as those who "just don't get it" (another frequently used quote from my brother, used to belittle and judge).   "The Secret" gives followers the false right to judge others, but,don't realize that they themselves really "do not get it".  Let people live their lives without the judgment.  As a friend of mine stated, a person going through sexual orientation issues in his own life, "The hardest thing to do in life, is just to be".  People are always telling others what they should to do with their life but in reality, we only have the judge ourselves.


Death of a Pet Dog

My mother's dog was put to sleep yesterday.  I didn't have a chance to say good bye.  I always liked her dog, although my mother had no idea how to take care of animals.  My mother was clueless when it came feeding and excercising her pet and as a result the dog became quite fat.  When my mother developed alzheimer's my brother took over the care of her dog.  Still, I was the only one who noticed when the dog was in pain and needed to see a vet.  

It was pointed out that whenever I came to visit my brother, my mother's dog always came up to me to say hello; she rarely went up to anyone else, even if that person was my mother.  She and I had a bond of a sort.  I always went out of my way to greet her and spend a few minute petting her and talking to her.  She appreciated the attention.  I learned today that yesterday she was put to sleep.  I had a dream about her last night.  In my dream I went over at my brother's house and I greeted her and petted her, I talked to her in my usual manner, asking her how she has been and if she was getting enough to eat.  In her youth, she was the fastest dog I have ever known, being a Whippet/Lab cross.  She was 14 years old.  

Forgiveness

I forgive people but that doesn’t mean I accept their behavior or trust them.  I forgive them so I can let go and move on with my life.

Strangely, I do not entirely agree with the above statement.  I’d rather say: 

I forgive people but that doesn’t mean I accept their behavior or trust them.  I forgive people by trying to understand why they did what they did because I want to forgive from a perspective of understanding not simply because I have a need to let go and move on.  

--

One Definition of Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.


Teaching School

On Thursday night I was informed at 10pm that the teacher running the Friday history class, of which I am part of the team, won't be able to be at class.  I was asked to fill in for him.  Apparently he had to go into the hospital suddenly and would not be available.  My part in the school system is to design some of the larger projects, and to occassionally be in the class to help out.  The students in this case are between 10 and 12 years old.  I never have taught a class before, but since its a continuation of the class and most students have projecst to work on, I would really just be there to solve any problems that came up.  The students knew what they were suppose to do, I was just there to keep them focused.

Half way through the day a student came up to me and asked me about weapons.  He stated he had been told that I knew all about history's weapons.  I looked at him and said, "I know everything".  Without a hesitation, he looked straight at me and said, "I think you are being most boastful".  I had to laugh.  I never expected those words to come from a 10 year old.

The Internet

I remember, years ago, perhaps as many as 50 years ago, it was predicted that in the future everyone will own a computer and will be able to research any subject and get answers.  My grandmother used to say this back in 1968.  The people around me were amazed.  Of course many of these were 5 year old kids who were amazed at anything bright, colourful and shiny, but it still amazed everyone and continued to amaze everyone when that prediction was repeated well into the future.  I remember my teachers in high school talking about this, all hoping for such a future.

The future has arrived.  We have the Internet, but now I hear people say the Internet is crap and a waste of time.  I find this hard to grasp.  You have at your disposal a device that can answer many questions you may have.  An encyclopaedia so sophisticated that it can get you multiple of solutions and view points to your questions.  You can ask any question and get an answer.  Granted, you never know if the answer is right, but when have we been so sure of the answers we received in the past?  For the people who feel the Internet is full of crap and wrong answers all I can say is maybe you are asking the wrong questions or perhaps don’t know how to ask a question.  Perhaps life itself is too demanding for you.  For myself, I have at least 10 questions a day and find myself learning each day by looking up the answers Online.  To play it safe, I will always look at more than one answer.


One's Needs

“I do not care what people say or think of me” is a powerful statement that shows you are on your own path and refuse to change based on the opinions of others.  I can understand this.  I have said this myself, but usually only to myself.   In my life, I chose to walk to the beat of my own drummer.  However, it occurred to me that the statement can seem a bit selfish so I usualy state it like this:  “I do not care what people say or think of me.  I go through life living the way I want to, but I will never make the assumption that my needs are more important than the needs of those around me”.


The Start of Something New

To say that 2014 wasn’t a difficult year is the biggest understatement I could make.  This year was probably the second most difficult year of my life so far, with heavy decision making required.  I am about 50% the way through.  The first phase was completed in September.  Now, the second phase is about to start, which is equally difficult, but its a road that must be crossed.  Nothing has been easy this year and the near future appears rocky, but if I can get through it, and once I do it should be calmer seas ahead.  I even started meditating again, which is something I haven’t had much opportunity to do over the last 5 years.  It was a difficult existence over the last 5 years.

One Friday (tomorrow) I will be helping out a few teachers with a project I have been working on since March of this year.  Its been a long road, full of twists and turns, dead ends, and a few stops and restarts.  However, the work I have been hired to do is for an educational company.  I am working in history, which is something I am familiar with and is the reason I was hired in the first place.  In fact, I was approached two years ago for this work.  It took that long to get here.  Tomorrow is where I meet the students, all Grade 7 kids, eager to jump in and start.  I will be helping out two teachers and two assistants.  The reason I am helping is because I am the only one who knows how to do this sort of work and I want to see it all up close and personal.

Funny thing about that.  The work I am doing is very similar to the stuff I used to create when I was 13 years old.  At that time everyone said that there was no future in what I was doing.  However, here I am 40 years later doing the same thing, but on a much larger scale, in full color and computer generated.  This is what I used to make by hand for myself when I was a kid just because I wanted to and could.  The world has changed quite a bit since then, but the principle haven’t.  As an educational tool, this sort of project and product knows no bounds.  Tomorrow I will see how 13 year olds see it.  I am sure there will be hurdles to jump and bridges to construct, but in the end, I can see this as being a very rewarding experience for everyone.   Fingers crossed because this is just one of many such projects I have been hired to construct.

--

Saturday.  Friday was a great success.  The students had a good time and a few of the special needs students, the ones who were labeled "hard to keep focused on their work" had no problems.  If fact, you could not tell who these students were in the class.  Evereyone was working away on the project.  They all owrked as a team.  They were focused for the full 3 hours and only a few needed or asked for guidence.  All I saw were eager young students having a  lot of fun and learning about history at the same time.  They were full of energy.

The teachers thought the whole project was a great success.  It wil be continued for the next two Fridays and then I will not be needed.  I was able to see the student's reactions to the product and for the most part, there were no problems.  The students simply love history and enjoy woreking together as a team.  Everyone had a good time.

 

 


Major Life Change

Weird.  In January of this year, I knew that 2014 was going to be a pinnacle and difficult year.  I felt that this year would be the start of a new life, and a new direction.  I could feel it.  A few days ago, some one sent me my horoscope for this month:

"Your career and finances are not priorities this month, except when they relate to plans you may have for the future. This is a time to prepare for the long-term, not to reach for immediate rewards."

This is turning out to be very true.  This month is a month of sacrifice while I readjust my life.  I made major changes last month and realized, in doing so, that I would be throwing away a full month's income to make these changes.  This is part of a long term plan where the rewards will happen later, probably not next month, but maybe will start in September.  None of this has been easy so far.  I pondered my decision for three days before making the phone call.  It was the second most difficult decision I have made in my life... and here I am now, taking the full brunt of the repercussions, but hoping that in the near future it will all have been worth while.

Taking charge of one's own life annoys a lot of people, especially those who thought they controlled you.  Turns out, they were wrong.  I can already feel the burden I found myself over the last 6 years starting to lift.  My life is already starting to change.  Its just that today was difficult, but its part of a path that will lead me away from negative people.  Tomorrow may also be bad, but I think that will be the end of it.  I will be free once again.  I should mark this day on my calendar and celebrate it every year from now on.


Work and Life

Work has been overpowering lately while life seems to march onward.  I had three women call me up and want to go out for a coffee.  I haven't heard from any of these women in almost a year.  Seems odd to get two emails and one phone call out of the blue like that.  One wants a relationship (she stated so), one may want a relationship (I think so) and the third seems to just want coffee and a chat.  Will see where this all goes, but I am really too wrapped up in my work right now to do anything.  Huge changes are transpiring with my recent work and it all hinges on me getting my assignments done on time, which is difficult because as each week passes I am assigned more work.  Still... at least its very interesting work.  The deadlines are starting to give me sleepless nights, as are the three women.  Only time for work right now.

Past Life Memories and a Promise Made

Many years ago I received a message that I must, at some point in my life, return to Ireland.  Having no Irish blood and having no connection to Ireland in my life, I found this puzzling.  However, it was a strong message, one that cannot be ignored.  A few yeras later, the message was repeated to me once again.  Four years ago I went to see a psychic, and as I was leaving she blurted out, "Oh... and one last thing, you must return to Ireland in this lifetime.  You made a promise".  "Yes", I told her, "The promise was to my mother", and the psychic was taken back, "You know this already", she asked, "Yes", I stated, "I do".  She just pointed out that a promise is a strong thing, and despite the passing of time, and lives, a promise must still be fulfilled, if possible.  "Yes", I answered, "... and I mean to fulfill it".



Once you are Irish, you never change.  The years was around 1649, Cromwell had invaded our home land.  Many people were dying and starving.  The battles and sieges were fierce with result that many Irish were killed.  I remember at some point signing up to go abroad and fight as a mercenary in someone else's army in another country.  My mother was distraught with fear of losing me.  She made me promise that I would return to Ireland.  That promise I made is still binding.



Last night I watched a 2 hour documentary on the War between the Irish and Cromwell.  At the end of the war, Parliamentarians published surrender terms to the remaining Irish the guerrilla fighters in 1652 allowing them to go abroad to serve in foreign armies not at war with the Commonwealth of England. 40,000 of them decided to do this, myself included.  Most went to France or Spain.  I never returned to Ireland, having died in combat.  I was reminded of this as I watched the documentary.  I must make plans to return to Ireland at some point.


An Odd Road To Travel

Having lived with someone for 8 years who was bi-polar, I am a little sensitive when dating new women.  I often find myself looking for signs and deciding on the fly if what a person just said, or gestured, during a conversation meant anything.  In almost all cases, I shrug it off as a coincidence.  I am too trigger happy.  I convince myself that I see signs where perhaps signs do not exist and then I relax.

I have been dating someone now for four weeks.  I haven't dated someone this long in almost 3 years.  Things were moving ahead nicely, without stress... then I received an odd phone call this evening.  It was filled with emotion, slurred words and sentences that I couldn't hear.  The woman I am dating doesn't drink, but because I know about her past, I suspect she must be on some sort of medication because of the emotional upheavals she had been through in her recent life.  Almost anyone I have known who has gone through something similar in their life has been on some sort of anti-depressent.  The conversation started out well enough, but ended with babbling, emotional revelations, and then I heard her physically falling down and with that, the phone went dead.  I phoned back several and when she answered, I received more babbling and emotional statements.  She first denied she having fallen down, then changed the subject.  My Ex Girlfriend would sometimes do this when her medications ran out at night.  With her, it was like turning off a switch, and then she was out like a light.  Almost always happened around 11pm.  I lived through this before.

That is probably not the question to be asking.  The question really should be, "Should I live through something like this again?".  Or was this just an odd phone call to be filed away and forgotten.  It will be interesting to hear, tomorrow, if she remembers anything.  This reminds me of those strange horror movies where someone slips into madness, babbling about something and nothing, just before the knives come out and the body count starts to rise.  

Its Official I am Handsome

I was visiting my mother three days ago.  She resides in a retirement home about 5 minutes from where I live.  We went out for dinner and returned about 6pm and then I stayed and talked with her until 8pm, upon which I said my goodbyes, and went home.  Walking down the hallway of her retirement home, I noticed it was quiet.  No one was walking about and the TV room was empty.  It was a quiet night.  I made my way to the front door and the front desk.  I had to sign out before I left.  Nearing the front desk I heard voices and as I rounded the corner, in the distance, I saw three young nurses, probably between 32 and 34 years old chatting away with an elderly woman.  They were giggle and going on about something that had happened earlier in the day.  They were next to the sign out book so I walked over and picked up the pen on the desk and cross my name off the visitors list and put in the time of my departure.  I was only too aware of the fact that the four woman stopped talking as soon as I came into their view.  As I was leaving by the front door I heard one of the nurses say, "Why is it when a tall, dark, handsome man walks into a room, woman suddenly stop talking?".  As I looked over my shoulder, and saw that all their eyes were upon me.  I just hoped I didn't have toilet paper stuck on my shoe.

--

Had a man come up to me yesterday to tell me how good I looked in my suit.  Although I do not butter my bread on that side, one should take in compliments where and when one can.


Dreaming

The act of dreaming is to create a map of our future. 

The Dating Circuit Again

About three weeks ago I received three email messages from eHarmony stating I have three women who want to get to know me.  I sat there trying to take that in.  EHarmony?  I haven't been a member of eHarmony in over 5 years.  How is this possible?  So I went to eHarmony and tried to remember my password.  Not as easy as it sounds as this was 5 years ago, but on my five or sixth try, I get in.  Sure enough, there are three women who want to get to know me.  I can't figure out how this happened, but now I fee obliged to respond.  I haven't been on a date in 3 years and now I am suddenly in a spot light.

I start in the order received and I end up communicating with someone who doesn't want to go through all the eHarmony system.  She writes that she wants to just meet me cold turkey (my words, not hers).  I am wary of such rapid communications because it can point to personal issues of the person doing the asking.  If someone is in a rush, there sometimes can be issues.  Rushing into relationships is actually listed as a "red flag" warning when dealing with Sociopaths and having lived with a Sociopath for 8 years, I am a little sensitive to such triggers.  However, it could also be a legitimate, innocent request too.  The person may just feel more comfortable seeing people up front rather than going through the eHarmony questions and answer system.  It can be frustrating dealing with eHarmony.

After a quick banter of emails, we agree to meet for coffee on a Sunday afternoon.  At the meeting, I arrive first because I am used to driving in rush hour traffic, not Sunday afternoon traffic so I arrived way too early.  I go into the restaurant and find a table by the large back window.  She phones me 20 minutes later asking me when I will arrive.  I informed her I am already seated and she seems surprised.  I forgot that when I dated last, woman almost always arrive first to check the guy out.  I asked a woman once whom I was dating a few years ago if she ever saw a date first and decided to just drive away.  The woman I asked this to stated to me that she does that all the time -- she wasn't going to waste her time on a loser, she added, and then quickly stumbled and stating, "but I liked how you looked".  I wasn't sure just how to take that.  It felt like my days were numbered, on a whim she may have at some near point in the future to just not show up one day.  In her case, as it turned out, that would have been OK.

My latest date seemed to go so-so.  There were a number of red flags that went up, but I tend to shrug these off on a first date, giving my date the benefit of the doubt.  But there was a nagging feeling in my mind that this was not going that well.  At one point my date pointed out that I look exactly like my photo at eHarmony and she expressed that this was unusual.

"Unusual", I ask, "How so?"

"Well", she started, "I was on a date where the guy stated he was around 55 years old, but when he arrived, I discovered that he was really closer to 70".

"Wow", I say, "That is a big difference in age".

"Yes", she said, "I was shocked.  I hate it when people are dishonest, but in the end, after two months he broke up with me because he felt we were incompatible".

Instantly my mind thought, "Wait a minute... you just said you hate it when people are dishonest, and yet you still dated the guy?"  What do your standards really mean when you do not follow through with your personal ideals.

Little things started to creep into the conversation that set off triggers, but again, it could just be first date jitters on both our parts.  I did notice that she was doing most of the talking.  It didn't matter what I said, she kept in control of the conversation throughout and then, out of the blue, she just stated, "Well, I have to get home.  It was nice seeing you.  I will give you a call soon".  She gave me a quick hug and then she was gone.  It seemed abrupt, so I figured, she must have decided that I was not quite right, or she had to go home and weigh things out in her mind.  As I was walking out of the restaurant, she drove by waving at me.  I was a bit confused at this point, but I headed back home and to work.  Upon arriving at home I saw that she beat me home and sent me an email stating how wonderful the date went and how happy she was meeting me and that we should plan something for the coming weekend.  In my mind there seemed to be a disparity between what was communicated in person and what was communicated via email.  The two seemed to be apart from one another.  It was a bit confusing, but I shrugged it off as first date jitters between the two of us.

Date two started out oddly.  We decided on seeing a movie together, but we went in separate cars.  I was willing to pick her up, but she said it was no problem, she would meet me at the theatre.  I thought that strange, but I went along.  She got out of her car and I happened to be just a few feet away.  I greeted her and attempted to kiss her, but that was not in the cards.  She recoiled as if I were a stranger on the street.  Ok, I thought, perhaps that was too soon.  After the movie we decided it was still early so we went for a walk to a local restaurant.  She talked about how much she enjoyed the film, so that went well.  She thanked me as if I had made the film myself, which was a bit odd.  She put her arm around me, so I put my arm around her, but upon doing so, she quickly recoiled and jumped a foot over to my right as if she were trying to avoid stepping into something disgusting she had spied on the sidewalk.  She made no apology or mention of what just transpired but instead continued walking and talking.  After leaving the restaurant and walking back to her car, she quickly thanked me for the evening, kissed me quickly, jumped into her car and disappeared into the night.  From kiss to her car and driving, was all under 5 seconds.  I figured something had just transpired, but was left a bit dumbfounded.  Did something just go wrong?  When I arrived home, she had sent me an email explaining how wonderful the evening went.  By this time I am figuring that something is going on, but cannot figure just what that something must be.

Date three was better, but ended the same.  We went for coffee to meet up with one of her close friends.  Apparently they always meet on a Tuesday night at a local coffee shop.  I arrived there and met them.  It all went well and I got along with her friend.  We stayed talking until closing time.  She asks me to follow her out to the car, where she is giving her friend a ride home.  She quickly thanks me for showing up, kisses me with one of her standard lightning kisses that lasts well under 1 second, then she is in her car and gone.  I am left standing there feeling like I have just had coffee with an Ex-Girlfriend.  I am acutely aware that there hasn't been any sign of affection transpiring from her.  It seems that I am showing all the interest and attentiveness and she is just absorbing it all.  I am starting to feel that she has a boyfriend or husband at home she is not telling me about.

Three days later I broke up with her.  I haven't had to do that in over 15 years.  I feel horrible having to do it, but the red flags and warnings going off in my head are trying to tell me something.  I still do not know what really went on.  I received an email note from her stating we only shared one passionate kiss and I had to struggle hard to figure out which kiss this was.  Was it the half-a-second kiss or was it the quarter-of-a-second kiss.  I think her problem may just be that she cannot feel nor express emotions, or perhaps she was hiding something from me.  Did I land another Sociopath into my life?

Now I am setting up a date with the second woman from eHarmony.  I certainly hope this goes better or it will be another three years before I try again.
 

Injured Again

2013 is turning into a year of injury and illnesses.  Started the year with an eye infection, quickly followed up by another eye infection, then an ear infection, then a tendon injury in my right arm and now a cut on my shin that required 4 stitches and the year is not over yet.  

Today's injury was odd because I slipped and hit my shin on a low concrete wall.  It hurt like hell, but I didn't rip my jeans.  I looked at my pants, and then just shrugged it off and kept going after I saw my jeans were still intact.  How bad could it be?  About an hour later I notice my right shoe felt wet.  When I looked at it I saw that it was full of blood.  Thick, quarter of an inch thick, sticky pink/red blood.  My jeans were stained a dark purple around the ankle.  I went to a medical clinic and the doctor was shocked by the severity of the cut without a corresponding cut or tear on my pants.  He had never seen that before.  

I seem to cut myself, and loose a lot of blood, every four or five years.  The last time I cut myself was three years ago and before that, it was four years ago and that cut went to the bone.  The only good part is that I seem to heal quickly.  At least this injury should not stop me from working... which is what I will be doing in a few minutes, now that I am back from the medical clinic.  In two weeks time, I will have the stitches out, ready to start again with another injury.

Did not see this one coming, but I rarely do when it comes in injuries.



An Odd Dream

I had an odd dream this morning.  It was about a project I was putting together.  The work, I thought, had been done since late Tuesday, but it was too late in the day to ship it to the production house in town as they close at 4:30pm so I left it for the next day.  When Wednesday came along I had other work show up that distracted me until it was too late again in the day to the ship work.  I figured, Thursday will have to do, but unexpectedly, family showed up, and once again it was after 4:30pm before they left, meaning, I would have to ship it off Friday.  

Friday morning I awoke after having a dream.  Unlike most dreams, I remembered this one quite clearly.  In the dream I was working on the project and it was pointed out to me that the project wasn't ready for production.  A voice simply stated that I had forgotten something.  I was told an important element was missing.  The missing element was shown to me and it was stated that my customers will be expecting it so it should be included.   Its a simple fix and you won't regret it, I was told.  So I got up, turned on my computer to examined the project.  I looked it over and quickly realized, the dream was right.  The missing element is important and I can include it quite easily before I ship it off to the production house.  It took almost three hours to create the missing element, but I managed to finally get the final work to the production house in time.  I was told the product should be ready for pick up late next week.

The fix saved me about $200, but it also saved me having to redo the product again, which is a savings of both time and money, not to mention, frustration.  Now the final product is more balanced and gives my customers all the options they are expecting.  Not sure how I missed that in the first place, but someone, or something, is looking over my shoulder, helping out.

 

1-20 of 42 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Positive Thinking or Just Good Luck?, posted April 29th, 2015, 2 comments
Half-Full or Half Empty, posted April 13th, 2015
Forgiveness II (Reincarnation Perspective), posted February 24th, 2015, 1 comment
The Secret -- Why its bunk., posted February 19th, 2015
When a stage play reminds you of life (Why I detest The Secret -Part II), posted January 26th, 2015
Death of a Pet Dog, posted January 7th, 2015
Forgiveness, posted December 16th, 2014, 2 comments
Teaching School, posted December 7th, 2014
The Internet, posted December 4th, 2014, 1 comment
One's Needs, posted November 18th, 2014
The Start of Something New, posted October 24th, 2014
Major Life Change, posted July 24th, 2014, 1 comment
Work and Life, posted July 15th, 2014
Past Life Memories and a Promise Made, posted April 28th, 2014
An Odd Road To Travel, posted December 6th, 2013, 1 comment
Its Official I am Handsome, posted November 23rd, 2013
Dreaming, posted November 17th, 2013
The Dating Circuit Again, posted November 3rd, 2013
Injured Again, posted September 18th, 2013
An Odd Dream, posted August 23rd, 2013
Listening to my Neighbors, posted August 17th, 2013
The Future Psychics Keep Telling Me About, posted August 13th, 2013
Time for a New Product, posted July 20th, 2013
Books, posted June 9th, 2013
Friendships and Loyalties, posted May 16th, 2013
A Mother's Day, posted May 14th, 2013
Follow Up On Psychic Reading from February 2013, posted April 23rd, 2013
Phychic Reading February 2013, posted February 24th, 2013, 2 comments
On the Road to Better Again, posted January 17th, 2013, 2 comments
Past Lives -- Because Someone Asked, posted November 13th, 2012, 1 comment
Psychic Reading II, posted July 21st, 2012
Psychic Reading, posted July 20th, 2012
Non-Regression, posted July 15th, 2012
Working Away, posted July 9th, 2012
Didn't Quite Work Out, but..., posted June 29th, 2012
Past Life Regression, posted June 4th, 2012
On To Other Things For Now, posted June 4th, 2012
Another Kick At The Can, posted June 1st, 2012, 2 comments
Work and Psychics, posted May 23rd, 2012
Reading Michael Newton's Books, posted March 30th, 2012
My Last Psychic Reading, posted March 23rd, 2012
Psychic Reading Coming Up, posted March 7th, 2012

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